confessions of a stay at home mom

A few years ago I wrote a post about my life as a working Mom.  I was blessed with the opportunity to stay home full time in November of 2012 following Jeremy's academy graduation.  No we aren't "loaded" and no I'm not too lazy to work.  I've always dreamed of being a stay at home mom and moving to a new city (and state!) where we don't know a soul definitely aided in the decision to stay home.  So here I am, nearly 14 months into this "stay at home mom" thing and I must admit there are days I absolutely hate it.

Yes, I said it, some days I hate being a stay at home mom.

  

No, I don't hate my kids and no I really don't want to go back to work.  I just never dreamed that staying at home would be like this.  Most days I feel incredibly overwhelmed.  I do 99% of pretty much everything.  I should clarify one thing- my husband DOES help me.  Most all of the time I have to ask; he won't run the vacuum on his own and he sits dishes on top of an empty dishwasher.  He does do the laundry... when he needs something of his.  But really folks, he is amazing.  There are some days, no, many days where I just breakdown into tears and feel like I am a maid to the three men in my house.  I cry my eyes out for an hour or so, complain about this or that, then lay into him and point out every single thing he has (ever) done wrong.  He listens to my tantrum, tells me to get out of the house for a while, I leave, and all is right again in the world.

I think part of my hatred stems from the humongous changes that have occurred over the last 14 months.  First of all, we moved. (Yes I know you know this, I'm just reminding you) I was jacked up in the beginning.  New life!  New city/state!  New house!  New jobs for the hubs and I!  New friends!  What could go wrong?!?

Perhaps it was those two pink lines that first changed my mood...

I pretty much got pregnant the first week we moved here.  (I guess that is what happens when you spend 5 months away from your spouse! Ok I know, gross... sorry.)  I was extremely depressed during my entire pregnancy.  I spent a majority of time on the couch either asleep or in a comatose stage where just getting up to find the remote was a challenge I wasn't sure I wanted to tackle.  I probably let my kid watch way too much TV and we spent most of our money to eat out.  It was certainly hard to overcome the extreme emotion I was feeling and sadly I let it defeat me for about 8 months.  I hated it here.  I missed home terribly.  I couldn't watch a single Kentucky ballgame and see shots of Lexington without my eyes filling up with tears.  This isn't what I thought it would be.  I wanted to leave- give all of this up and go back to our old life.  That all changed one afternoon in July.

Jeremy came home from work one day and said that one of his co-workers met a guy from another agency who was new to the area.  He lived close to us, had two kids Gage's age, and his wife was a stay at home mom.  I was in no mood to meet anyone but obliged to Jeremy's suggestion of texting her to see if she wanted to 'hang out'.  Is that what sahm's do??  Perhaps 'schedule a play date' is a better phrase. Nonetheless, I text her and we met up one afternoon at a park.

I met to most amazing, kind-hearted and genuine person in the entire world.  She's nice.  She's sweet.  She's a giver, like me.  I can honestly say I've never met anyone like her before.  She completely changed my outlook on this horrible, awful life I was living.  She too was in a similar position.  To meet someone who was feeling so close to the same way I was at that very moment was exactly what I needed.  I needed to know that I wasn't alone.  I needed to know that someone only a few streets away was having days like I was.  Miserable days where she felt overwhelmed with her kids.  Sad days where she missed home so bad she couldn't stand it.

Not only did she help me cope with my move but she has also helped me to learn so much about myself.  My New Year's resolution for 2013 was to be more honest.  No I'm not a liar.  I wanted to be more honest about what I did and didn't want and I felt like for the first time I could be myself.  I didn't have to fake anything.  I didn't have to act like I was into this or that or that I liked this or that.  I could be me, 100%, and that was exactly what I needed.  I could go on and on about my new friend but I'd better stop here... I'm afraid I'm starting to sound like a stalker or weirdo... whatever.

Anyways...  I've really come around to this new place and it really isn't that bad.  Friends make all the difference, really.  My relationship with my husband has dramatically changed.  We've always been close and I've always felt as if he was my best friend but that feeling has increased by billions.  We depend on each other so much more now than we ever have and rightfully so; we're all each other has here.  I knew that I was right where I was supposed to be after our first trip back to KY back in October.  It no longer felt like home.  But where was home?  What is home?  Home is where you make it, and for me, that is right here in Alabama with my beautiful little family.

Most days I do feel like I'm drowning here but I'm learning how to deal.  Ugh, I never thought I would admit this but a little exercise and fresh air does do a body (and mind) good.  A good cry to your Mama always helps too!

XOXO
Melissa

"how did you get a baby inside your belly Mommy?"

With all of the excitement surrounding the news of our second baby, it was inevitable that there would be questions from our almost four year old as to how exactly this miracle occurred.  Since I've become a parent I have been worried about protecting our precious baby boy from the evils of the world around him- specifically girls.  I do often think about the day when we will have to have the talk him and I worry about the pressure he will some day face when it comes to "it".

But lets slow down here a bit, the child is barely four years old and he didn't necessarily ask about "it" he just wanted to know how the baby got inside my belly.  When he first asked I sort of ignored it and said it just happened.  I knew that this answer was not good enough and would not satisfy his ever increasing curiosity so I had to come up with something to tell him.

I rehearsed it in my head...

"Well son, one night your Daddy and I..."

TMI.

"When two people are in love they... " 

WRONG.

"Son, babies come when a Mommy and Daddy..."

NO.

Finally, it hit me:  I would tell him that the stork was bringing us a baby.  Well that was not the right answer.  Soon there were questions like "if the stork brings the baby why will your belly get so big?"  "why do you have to go to the hospital if the stork carries the baby in his mouth and drops him off?" I had to revisit this stork topic and this is what I came up with... 

Mommy and Daddy decided that we loved you so much that we wanted another baby just like you.  We called the stork and he brought us a seed.  I swallowed the seed one night and it is beginning to grow.  When the baby has grown big enough I will go to the hospital and a doctor will remove the baby from my belly.

This answer seemed to satisfy his curiosity and we really haven't revisited the subject since then.  No, it is not exactly what I wanted to tell him but how do you explain the miracle of life to an innocent child?  He has plenty of time to grow and sooner than later he will be experiencing and learning all about adulthood.  I want him to be able to remain the sweet, innocent child he is.  Someday he will loose that innocence and I'd like to prolong that for as long as I can.... 

it has been a while...

I've been thinking about my blog a lot here lately and trying to find the time to get back to it.  When I finally logged in today I realized that I haven't posted anything since October!  I didn't realize it had been so long!  I know you have all missed reading about my life and what is going on, right? I kid, I kid!  My first post in over 6 months will be more of an update on what has been going on in our crazy life!


While it was emotionally draining and challenging, I had the time of my life while my husband was gone.  I was able to create a bond with my son that is so deep it will never be broken.  My love for my husband grew immensely and our dedication to each other is undeniable.  I am ecstatic that our time apart is over but I am forever grateful for all that it brought us.  I learned SO MUCH more during that 20.5 weeks than I ever imagined.  Most important, I've learned just how strong I am.


My husband graduated from his academy on November 6, 2012!  It was one of the happiest days of our lives!  All of his hard work and dedication, not only over the time he was away but throughout his entire life, all paid off on that wonderful day.  Words cannot describe how incredibly proud of him I am.  He set a goal and worked hard to achieve it.  He is my inspiration and I can only hope to one day make him as proud of me as I am of him.

Here he is receiving his creds from Director Mueller!

We headed back to Kentucky the day after his graduation and made to our house just in time to see the doors closing on the semi truck full of our belongings.  A HUGE THANK YOU to JON HALL and AMBER CHEKE for helping us with the packing and loading of our household goods!  We had a super tight schedule with the selling our home in Kentucky and purchase of the new one in Alabama we couldn't have done it without their help.  While I think Jon secretly enjoyed it, we can never ever thank those two enough for helping us out.

It was super exciting when the truck made it to our new house in Alabama!  While I'd like to lie and say the whole truck was our belongings, it wasn't.  See those double doors in the full shot of the truck?  Our stuff started about there...

  

 That truck was packed so tight a slip of paper couldn't have fit!

It had been a very long time since I had moved and was it ever overwhelming!  I didn't realize we had SO MUCH STUFF!  It has taken months for us to get everything put away and organized but I think I can say we're finally finished.  There are days we find ourselves asking "where is?" or "do you remember that thing we had?" We are missing things but I'm not sure if I got rid of them, if those things never made it off the truck, or if they are still packed away in a box in our attic.  

I'm not going to go into great detail about every little thing that happened between November and now.  We did celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Alabama style which was exciting and fun.  We also got some incredible news in mid December- I'M PREGNANT!  

So in our house, conceiving children is apparently not that difficult.  When we made the decision to have Gage we were pregnant within one month.  When we made the decision to try for baby #2, again we were pregnant within one month.  We are both truly grateful to have been blessed with Gage and now another sweet baby (boy!) who is due to arrive in late August.  I think that sometimes the ability to have children is taken for granted and little to no thought occurs about it until the time you decide you'd like to try for a baby.  We will never ever be able to express the gratitude and appreciation we have for the two miracle blessings in our lives.  

Not only are we still adjusting to life in Alabama as a family of three but now we are trying to mentally prepare to become a family of four!  Gage is elated!  He already talks about helping feed baby brother.  He wants to read to him, play with him, sing to him and yes, even change his dirty diapers.  We were blessed with an incredible child when we were given Gage, I cannot wait to see him as a big brother.  Slowly but surely we are getting things ready for the arrival of our new baby boy but man is the time flying by!  Our new bundle of joy will be arriving in about 16 weeks!  His room is painted, bedding has been ordered but we have yet to make a decision on a crib!  I know that things will come together eventually, but I do feel a tad overwhelmed!  

I think I've shared enough this post... You're probably bored to death with a recap of things you already knew!  I plan on writing more often and sharing all about our new lives in Alabama.  I have so many ideas for future posts but I would really like to know what you enjoy reading about.  Just the personal stuff or did you enjoy my previous Pinterest/crafty posts?  I've been thinking about sharing some recipes and life lessons as well.  Would y'all be interested?  I value your feedback so please let me know!  

Until I blog again, farewell friends!

she said yes!

I am ELATED that after 3 months I can FINALLY blog about one of the most exciting things I've ever done with my little brother!

On Sunday, October 14, 2012, Matt popped the question to his girlfriend of 3 years, Liz!  

Whoo Hoo!  Welcome to the family Liz!

I was honored when Matt asked me to go ring shopping with him back in July.  We have been on Matt for months to buy a ring and pop the question but he just wouldn't do it.  Then one day, out of the blue, he was like "Lets run up to Shane Co."  Um, hell yes lets go!  I never imagined that he would actually invite me along.  I was so nervous the whole car ride there and wasn't even sure he would buy a ring once we got there!  Dintelmann style, we pulled in about 45 minutes before the store was set to close to begin the search for the perfect ring.  I'm pretty sure we looked at less than 5 rings when he found "the one".  It was gorgeous; what I call a vintage/antique white gold band.  About three diamonds later, there it was.  The ring.  It.  Is.  Stunning.  It was all I could do not to tear up in front of him.  Here I was with my baby brother, picking out an engagement ring!  To my surprise he bought it- we paid and he was to pick it up the next day after the stone was set.  

I was bouncing off the walls the car ride home.  I wanted to freakin' tell everyone that he had FINALLY bought a ring.  Matthew quickly brought me back down to Earth and firmly advised me not to tell anyone.  Excuse me?  No one?  Not even Jeremy?  Um, no.  I had to tell Jeremy!  I just had to have someone else to talk to about it!  Not only was I not allowed to tell anyone, I had to keep this a secret indefinitely!  He still didn't know when he was going to propose and there was no forcing him to decide on a date!  To my surprise, and I'm pretty sure everyone else that knows me, I kept it a secret!  It was so incredibly hard not to tell my Mom!  I came soclose last weekend to letting her browse the pics in my phone and just stumble upon it but I knew I had to keep my secret for Matt!  

It was so exciting to receive the text from Matt with the pic of Liz wearing the ring!  "She said yes!" was what we were all patiently waiting to hear!  

I know I speak on behalf of our entire family when we say we are thrilled to have Liz as part of our family.  That fiery redhead is one of the sweetest, down to earth, little country princesses we've ever met!  She is a dream in the kitchen, sophisticated, and a down right delightful person.  She not only loves Matthew dearly but she has stolen the heart of my son, Gage.  He loves his "Uncle Liz" and is so excited about the weddin'.  

Thank you, Liz, for being the wonderful person you are and for taking care of and loving my brother the way you do.  And thank you, Matt, for choosing to spend your life with someone like Liz and for including me in one of the biggest decisions of your life.  You're not only my brother but one of my best friends.  I love you and I am so proud of the man you've become.  

our first trip to Montgomery!

Last week Gage and I headed down south to meet my Mom, my brother and his Liz, and of course my amazing hubby to visit our new sweet home in the state of Alabama.  I've been though Alabama before on the way to vacation and have even vacationed in Gulf Shores but I had never been to Montgomery.  We have spent the past several weeks researching the Montgomery area like it is our job!  We are fortunate to have family and friends who have friends and family who live in the area that helped guide us in the right direction.  Everyone told us to stay away from the city of Montgomery unless we could afford to live in east Montgomery.  Well of course we can't afford east Montgomery at this stage in our lives so outside of Montgomery is where we're going to live!  It was difficult to decide on renting vs. buying but ultimately buying a home won.  I just can't help but feel like we would be throwing our money away by renting.

I cannot tell you how excited I was to house hunt!  I was so tired of being the person on the other end of the house hunting deal- sick of cleaning up my house in a moments notice and leaving for an hour or so during the worst part of the day.  Being the one who was making people leave was my cup of tea!  Although we own our current home this was my first house hunting experience- Jeremy bought our house just as we had began dating so I never got to experience the actual home searching and buying process.  I am obsessed with House Hunters on HGTV and had prepared myself for the big hunt.  It pisses me off when people complain about paint colors or landscaping around homes they are looking at to buy.  Hello!  You can change that folks!  I decided that was NOT going to be me- I had a short list of what I wanted and promised myself to remain open minded and look past hideous decor and crappy paint colors.

I couldn't do it.  

I tried so hard to be nice and polite in the first home we saw but it was so hard!  It smelled funny, the floor in the kitchen was crappy and needed to be replaced, the current owners had tried to paint the kitchen cabinets and did a horrible job, the carpet was dirty, the bathrooms were down right disgusting.... it was awful.  I kept mental list of what I would need to change... new floors, cabinets, gut the bathrooms... I was looking for a turn-key home with very VERY few projects and that house just wasn't it.  Although it was only the first house we looked at it freaked me out.  Was that the type of house we can afford?  Am I going to be taking on a project after all?  Maybe we should rent?!

Our realtor was simply fabulous.  She knew instantly that I was freaking out and having a mini breakdown inside.  She reassured me that we would find the "perfect home" and helped me not be distracted by the atrocious house we had just left.  I nixed the next three houses based on their exteriors, square footage and locations.  Then we pulled up to the next house.  It was cute from the outside, had crappy landscaping but was in a great subdivision.  The first thing I noticed was the HUGE backyard!  You could build another house back there!  There was room to build a garage, put in a pool, plant a garden, have a swing set AND still have plenty of grass left over for Gage and our dogs to play in.  As we went inside I fell in love.  This house had everything that we wanted; white cabinets, tile in the kitchen, tile backsplash, real hardwood floors, a giant walk in closet and big master bath...  It was perfect... and the second house we had looked at.  Each house after that just didn't measure up.  We even looked at brand new homes that just didn't compare.  I knew I had found our house but we still had two days worth of hunting left to do and Jeremy hadn't even arrived yet!

We spent the next day looking at homes around Montgomery and a few actually in Montgomery.  The first house that Jeremy saw was the house I had fallen in love with the day before.  Bless his heart he tried so hard to give each house we looked at a fair showing but I think in his heart he knew that the first house was our house.  We decided to sleep on it and see how we felt the next morning.  Well, he wanted to sleep on it.  I had already slept on it and was already arranging our furniture and decorating it in my head!

Sunday morning we ventured into downtown Montgomery to find his new office and see just how far of a drive he would have to work each morning.  Have any of you ever been to Montgomery?  It is like the land that time forgot.  We found his office building, parked and decided to get out and walk around.  There was a beautiful historic fountain in the circle from the 1850's and loads of historical markers full of information about the city of Montgomery.  His office is just across the street from the bus stop where Rosa Parks boarded before changing history!  We walked down one street and every single shop was closed.  When we peered in the windows you could see vintage- and I mean vintage- decor and signs.  The buildings looked like they had been closed since the 1960's!  There is a sweet little soda shop next to his building and down a block or so is the infamous Hank Williams museum and a few newer restaurants and thats about it.  Perhaps we didn't walk far enough or didn't drive to the right parts of downtown but it was a little sad.  From what we saw it is nothing like Lexington but we're hopeful it will grow in the coming years.

someone had a little attitude that day

the capitol building is in the middle

gorgeous historic building downtown

where my honey will be working! 

We did find the mall in Montgomery and some local restaurants that we want to check out when we are officially residents of Alabama!  We also found an amazing flea market type place full of antiques and vintage pieces!  It was awesome!  We didn't have much time to spend there but I can't wait to get back!  We made the decision Sunday afternoon to put an offer in on the house that we had found.  The next afternoon our realtor called to say the sellers had accepted our offer!  It was quick but we were prepared and knew where we wanted to be and what to look for!

As of today Jeremy has 27 days until graduation, 29 days until we close on our house in Kentucky and 30 days until we close on our home in Alabama!  We had a great time and are anxious to get moved and most important be back together as a family!  I actually didn't cry this time when I left Jeremy at the airport.  It was so weird, I was like excited to drop him off because I knew that the next time I saw him it would be for his graduation! Weird, 27 days into this he was beginning week 4.  Now he has 27 days left and is in week 17 with 4 weeks to go!  We're almost there!

I think I maybe think too much

Everyone has that one song that sets the mood.  The song that makes you feel kick ass and invincible. Or the song that grounds you and brings you back to reality.   Right now my kick ass song is "Blow Me One Last Kiss" by Pink.  Yes, I know what the lyrics say and no that is not why I like it.  It just gets me all pumped up and excited and feeling like I can take on the world.  Well, on the way home from Kroger today, I heard it.  I rocked out the whole way home and was totally pumped and ready to rock my house, in a cleaning sense if you will.   I started opening cabinets and closets.  Pulled out things I haven't seen or used in years and made two piles; keep and yard sale.  I found old iPods, mixed cds, old baby bibs, an "its a girl" cigar, sweaters from three seasons (and a baby) ago... Random crap.  Luckily though most of it went in the yard sale pile (not that cigar, I might smoke it later with my glass of wine... I kid! I kid!).

So my blood was totally pumping.  I was kicking ass and taking names later.  Then the music changed.  Damn you shuffle.  I think everyone can agree with me that when you shuffle songs on your iPhone if it starts with a great song its going to be a "good" shuffle and if the first song is crap well, you might as well start over with a new shuffle.  The particular shuffle that I got today was bad ass.  I didn't have to skip a single song.  Until this one.  I am quite emotional right now and probably borderline crazy and/or depressed with everything that is going on in my life.  I'm sure it is nothing compared to what many of you are experiencing or might have experienced but for me, its a lot.  As you've read, it has been overwhelming the past 15 weeks without my husband.  I have a new found respect for single Moms and stay at home Moms (I recently went from a part-time SAHM to a full-time SAHM holla!)  I'm still a tad wet behind the ears and am still learning so many things.  Selling this house has been a huge learning process in itself.  Ok, ok.   Let me get back on track...

So here I was knee deep in junk and the song changed from Taylor Swift, "We are Never Ever Getting Back Together" (NO JUDGING!) to Miranda Lambert "The House that Built Me".  It played for a few seconds and somewhere during the first chorus my heart leaped up into my throat and I suddenly couldn't sing another word.  It hit me.  We're moving.  Not just to another house but to a new city and a new state.  A new life.  I am somewhere between ecstatic and devastated.  In 5 short weeks I will be reunited with the love of my life and my family will again be whole.  In 5 short weeks we will be packing up the life we've created together and move it to a strange place where we don't know a single person.  This life is the only life I've known with Jeremy and the only life that Gage has ever known.  I think of this house that we live in now as the house that built us.  It is the house that built our son, our lives together first as man and wife and then as a mother and father.  This is too deep for me.  

Although the song is totally about breaking up I have to say that there is one line that totally encompasses me right now; "Tie a knot in the rope, trying to hold, trying to hold... But there's nothing to grab so I let go.."  I'm letting go of my fears.  I've had enough of this life here in Kentucky and I'm ready to move on and start a new one.  I'm looking forward to the new memories we're going to create in Alabama!  The new friends we're going to make!  I'm looking forward to the adventure we're about to embark on.  My husband has blessed me not only with an amazing partner for life and an amazing father to our son but to a once in a lifetime experience that isn't afforded to just anyone.  He has worked his ass off his whole life and is providing a dream life for us.  I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

the new normal

Hey all!  It has been a few weeks since my last post so I figured I'd better get back to writing!  I wish I could say that I've been too busy to write but that's a lie.  I've just been too tired and haven't really felt like it!  I usually have writing ideas swirling around in my head but I just couldn't make myself sit down and share!  I am completely burnt out on house searching and Pinterest pinning that I am forcing myself to write!

Speaking of house searching... We found out just over a week ago that we are being sent to the Montgomery field office!   Yay! We were just adjusting to the fact that we were headed to Mobile and were super excited about our possibilities when that oh so important little piece of information was relayed to us.  I have been researching the hell out of Montgomery this week!  I have found a ton of great housing options but really haven't been able to move forward since we aren't moving until November and don't have our house hunting trip scheduled until the first week of October.  So, until then, I'll be printing, saving and dreaming!  Feel free to share any info you might have on Montgomery!  We know nothing and are pretty much going into this blind!

Jeremy came home Labor Day weekend for the first time in 11 weeks!  It.  Was.  Awesome.  Originally he was supposed to come in Saturday morning but we just couldn't wait.  Friday morning I did a quick search and found an earlier flight home for him.  It was a whirlwind day for him as he was gone to training all day and didn't have a single thing packed!  Luckily he got out a bit early and was able to race to his room, pack, and race to the airport.  Although he didn't arrive until 11pm and we didn't get home until almost 1:30 am it was totally worth it.  It was surreal waking up with him, in our bed, in our house, in the morning.  We quickly got back to our routine and it *almost* felt like he had never left.  When Monday morning came I was an emotional wreck.  I knew he was leaving that afternoon and I just wasn't ready for him to go.  I literally cried all day long and when we said our final goodbyes at the airport I lost it.  I cried like a freaking baby you guys.

 

Looking back, it is slightly embarrassing the way I reacted over him leaving however the only person who saw me was Gage.  I could hardly see out of my tear-filled eyes the drive home and when I walked back into our house and could still smell him the tears came again like a flood gate had been opened.  I was seriously crying folks and I'm sure it was the horrifically ugly cry face that comes along with that type of cry.  I honestly think I needed it though.  I had shed a few tears since our emotional reunion at 7 weeks but nothing like this.  As usual, I moped around the rest of the day on Monday, ate almost my weight in chocolate chip cookies, and come Tuesday I was again ready to face the world again.

Our sweet baby boy started preschool on Tuesday the 4th!  I can't believe how fast he is growing up!  Poor thing just didn't want to go to school and I'm sure he got that from me.  When I went into his room to wake him up he was spread out diagonally and his mouth was wide open.  When he woke up and realized it was time to go to school he immediately frowned, rolled back over and said "I don't want to go to school".  Um, newsflash buddy, this here is day one of at least 14 years of school.  I finally got him up, wrestled his clothes on him and made it downstairs for breakfast.  He requested toast "without the skin" and some apple juice.  Surprisingly, and for like the first time ever, we made it somewhere on time.  Although he shed a few tears when I left he had an amazing first day.

ice cream after school!

I realized this morning that what I'm living is now my new normal.  For the last 13 weeks of my life I've been sleeping alone, waking up alone, taking care of my son alone, eating alone... pretty much doing everything alone.  I think I am finally getting used to it and I hate it.  I don't think there is much worse than being separated when all you want is to be together.  Before Jeremy left I couldn't stand to not talk him.  We were constantly texting and calling each other.  Now we sometimes go all day without speaking and sometimes can only get a text message out.  While I like this new non-dependence I still miss him dearly and cannot wait to get back to our life.  I'm sure that things will not immediately return to normal but as long as we are together every morning and every night I will be as happy as clam.

Farewell Friends!