it ain't getting any easier...

Jeremy and I are finishing up our fourth week apart. This is by far the longest we've ever spent apart and sadly it isn't getting any easier. The first night I was home was absolutely the worst. His towel was still hanging in the bathroom, his cup from breakfast a few mornings before was still in the sink, and when I laid down in our bed I could still smell his cologne.  I'm pretty sure I cried for three or four days straight. I could hardly look at our son or walk into our bathroom where his things were noticeably absent from the counter and drawers. I think I sat in our closet for an hour one night wrapped up in one of his t-shirts just sobbing.  And sadly, I just changed our sheets last night...

I know that he is only gone for a while and I haven't lost him forever.  I know that in a few weeks I'll look back at all of this and it will seem like it was nothing but right now it feels like an eternity since I've last seen him or will see him again. He doesn't have cell service and even if he did he can't have his phone with him during the day. We can't text and the only thing we can do is Skype and FaceTime in the evenings and on the weekends.

I honestly thought this whole process would be different. I've always been strong and have never needed anyone to hold my hand but this is just different. Life here hasn't stopped- I still have the same responsibilities if not more without him here. Our son has had major separation anxiety and won't let me out of his sight. I lay in his bed with him at night until he is asleep and I sneak out to my room where I lay awake until 1 or 2 am. Shortly after I drift off I hear little feet running down the hall to my room and my little man is climbing into bed with me. He says things like "don't leave me Mommy" and "where are you going Mommy" when I try to walk into the kitchen or take a shower. It is heart breaking.

I have to be honest here- I was slightly looking forward to Jeremy being gone. We are creeping up on our 5th anniversary this September and things were slowing down and becoming even more comfortable between us. I thought that this time apart would be good and I hoped that he would appreciate me more. What I wasn't thinking about was how much I took him for granted and what little appreciation I had for him. Until he was gone I didn't realize how much he helped out with around the house and house much he did with Gage. I didn't realize how lucky I was to have a husband who would do so many things without me having to ask. A husband who put myself and Gage first. He would never ever choose to spend a day of doing something alone, for himself, or without Gage and I. I didn't think I'd miss his terrible jokes, his awful dance moves, and his smelly wash cloth hanging in the shower.  I miss the wrong way he folded our towels and how he would drive the hell out of our car.   

I miss every single thing about him.

I don't feel like myself at all. I don't ever want to leave the house, I don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. I don't even feel like doing laundry, cleaning, or putting anything away. Thank goodness for my Gram- she has literally been coming over nearly every day and keeping up with my house. In the midst of all of this change we are still tying to sell our house and the fear that we might not sell it is overwhelming.

I am ever so thankful to have Gage. He brings so much joy and laughter to my life. I don't think I could get through this without him. I need him like he needs me. Being alone with him has been challenging and we've certainly pushed each other's buttons over the last few weeks but he is my strength and what gets me through the tough days. He is so much like his Daddy it is scary. From his facial expressions to his mannerisms and infectious laugh it's like I have Jeremy here with me always.

I'm trying to stay strong for Jeremy and Gage but it's tough. Questions like "Why you have tears come down Mommy?" remind me to hide my emotions from Gage and thankfully my tears can't always been seen over the webcam. I'm hoping that once our assignment is revealed I will be a bit more busy and have less time to think about how incredibly alone I feel.

Right now I'm counting down the days until Gage and I get to see Jeremy. I'm sure it will be an emotional reunion and I am elated that it is only a few weeks away. I've been debating on just packing up the car and driving 10 hours to Quantico and surprising him but I know that's not the best plan. We're trying to save every last penny for our big move. There are so many things we want and want to do the sacrifice right now will be worth it.

So I'm going to stop with my pitty party and focus on the positives- only 20 days until we get to see each other and only 4 hours until he calls again. Hug your significant others, you'll miss them if they're ever gone.

I love you with my whole heart for my whole life Jeremy.