Yes, I said it, some days I hate being a stay at home mom.
No, I don't hate my kids and no I really don't want to go back to work. I just never dreamed that staying at home would be like this. Most days I feel incredibly overwhelmed. I do 99% of pretty much everything. I should clarify one thing- my husband DOES help me. Most all of the time I have to ask; he won't run the vacuum on his own and he sits dishes on top of an empty dishwasher. He does do the laundry... when he needs something of his. But really folks, he is amazing. There are some days, no, many days where I just breakdown into tears and feel like I am a maid to the three men in my house. I cry my eyes out for an hour or so, complain about this or that, then lay into him and point out every single thing he has (ever) done wrong. He listens to my tantrum, tells me to get out of the house for a while, I leave, and all is right again in the world.
I think part of my hatred stems from the humongous changes that have occurred over the last 14 months. First of all, we moved. (Yes I know you know this, I'm just reminding you) I was jacked up in the beginning. New life! New city/state! New house! New jobs for the hubs and I! New friends! What could go wrong?!?
Perhaps it was those two pink lines that first changed my mood...
I pretty much got pregnant the first week we moved here. (I guess that is what happens when you spend 5 months away from your spouse! Ok I know, gross... sorry.) I was extremely depressed during my entire pregnancy. I spent a majority of time on the couch either asleep or in a comatose stage where just getting up to find the remote was a challenge I wasn't sure I wanted to tackle. I probably let my kid watch way too much TV and we spent most of our money to eat out. It was certainly hard to overcome the extreme emotion I was feeling and sadly I let it defeat me for about 8 months. I hated it here. I missed home terribly. I couldn't watch a single Kentucky ballgame and see shots of Lexington without my eyes filling up with tears. This isn't what I thought it would be. I wanted to leave- give all of this up and go back to our old life. That all changed one afternoon in July.
Jeremy came home from work one day and said that one of his co-workers met a guy from another agency who was new to the area. He lived close to us, had two kids Gage's age, and his wife was a stay at home mom. I was in no mood to meet anyone but obliged to Jeremy's suggestion of texting her to see if she wanted to 'hang out'. Is that what sahm's do?? Perhaps 'schedule a play date' is a better phrase. Nonetheless, I text her and we met up one afternoon at a park.
I met to most amazing, kind-hearted and genuine person in the entire world. She's nice. She's sweet. She's a giver, like me. I can honestly say I've never met anyone like her before. She completely changed my outlook on this horrible, awful life I was living. She too was in a similar position. To meet someone who was feeling so close to the same way I was at that very moment was exactly what I needed. I needed to know that I wasn't alone. I needed to know that someone only a few streets away was having days like I was. Miserable days where she felt overwhelmed with her kids. Sad days where she missed home so bad she couldn't stand it.
Not only did she help me cope with my move but she has also helped me to learn so much about myself. My New Year's resolution for 2013 was to be more honest. No I'm not a liar. I wanted to be more honest about what I did and didn't want and I felt like for the first time I could be myself. I didn't have to fake anything. I didn't have to act like I was into this or that or that I liked this or that. I could be me, 100%, and that was exactly what I needed. I could go on and on about my new friend but I'd better stop here... I'm afraid I'm starting to sound like a stalker or weirdo... whatever.
Anyways... I've really come around to this new place and it really isn't that bad. Friends make all the difference, really. My relationship with my husband has dramatically changed. We've always been close and I've always felt as if he was my best friend but that feeling has increased by billions. We depend on each other so much more now than we ever have and rightfully so; we're all each other has here. I knew that I was right where I was supposed to be after our first trip back to KY back in October. It no longer felt like home. But where was home? What is home? Home is where you make it, and for me, that is right here in Alabama with my beautiful little family.
Most days I do feel like I'm drowning here but I'm learning how to deal. Ugh, I never thought I would admit this but a little exercise and fresh air does do a body (and mind) good. A good cry to your Mama always helps too!
XOXO
Melissa
